disintegration [stay on my side tonight]

so ben has been talking to this 17 year old girl & hung out with her the past two friday nights.

i got 2 xanax from friends at work. i freaked out after he called me with money issues the other morning, so i took one. it was nice. after i took it, i felt like i should care about it all, but i just.... didn't.

i thought i would take one tonight, but i haven't yet. i smoked instead after allie finally fell asleep. yeah, i went 4 months without smoking any pot. but well.... it definitely helps calm me down....

some LAME movie is on FOX. i should just finish LOST season 1 again, since i borrowed it from rob on DVD like, forever ago now.

i feel hungry. i couldn't eat much all day. my stomach was in knots.

in brighter news today, i am looking forward to seeing circa survive & thrice on monday night. i hope anthony green plays some stuff from his upcoming solo album.

anxiety anxiety anxiety.
get out of my life.
ugh.

i feel like someone is sitting my chest. its horrid.
someone stab me in the eye.

i need to get out of here. if only for a few hours.
i feel like im suffocating.




maybe i just need to learn how to be alone again.

when i really stop & take the time to think about it

i'm still so broken.



how do i make it stop? when will it ever end?
really, how do i let go? how do i make peace with my life where its at now?
its pretty fucking tragic when you lose yourself twice in the course of one years time.

sooo i got sent home from work today 2 hours early because this bitch anna told them i was doing nothing. first of all theres FOUR of us up front which is way too many girls in the am. secondly, it was slow, no business, & no prep work to do. so i wasn't doing anything, because there WAS nothing to do. ok, so when i can drive a mercedes & live in my own house with my husband and have 4 grown kids, then i will complain when girls who have 14 month old babies at home & need hours to work to support them, & get them sent home too. fucking asshole.

i realize im not speaking correctly & i sound retarded. im just angry.

anyways. ben, allie, & i went to the mall & i got **** live in phoenix, the fall out boy dvd. sweeeeet.

i'm stuck at my parents watching fat boy. aka my dog. allie hates sleeping in a new crib and cries for awhile before falling asleep. its wonderus.

i feel unimportand & used for some reason.
& would people please remember to not use my name unless you are going to explain to me why you are bringing me up in some random situation i don't know about? i would really appreciate not being involved in gay drama. especially when you hide it from me. kthx.

boys are dumb. didn't i realize this years ago?
fuck.

im seriously debating on deleting my myspace. fuck it.

some days are better than others. some are worse. sometimes we fight bad still. for awhile we we're doing alright... but it seems sometimes its horrible. how do you get over someone you love when they're right there with you whenever you turn around?

i want to try & make it right
but i don't know if i can
last night,
everything was right, the rain was gone
one summers nights the only time we know
shut your eyes
when you wake up i'll be gone

for some reason i always feel guilty when i end up going out after the baby is in bed. so i haven't done it in months. & i miss my friends. & i need time out. but i can't bring myself to actually get up & actually do it. ::sigh::

think we found a new apartment. bigger, in a nicer part of town, for the same amount of money, with the heat & hot water included. i just need to make the call this week. then clean the SHIT out of this horrid place. maybe moving will clear my slate again. its funny how i associate new things/chapters in my life with moving. or closing an LJ & starting a new one. or something along those lines. i don't deal with change well. to accept it i suppose i have to do something "significant" to deal with it. i dunno.

in other news my whole "i want drugs" phase has passed i think. however, i still don't want to feel anything. so i'm not sure how that works out.

life is still messy. but i guess there are a few rays of light amongst the clouds.

[i could be in poughkeepsie seeing jacks mannequin. i am sad i am not.]

i want passwords to my old journals. like thisride & abrokensound.
i miss those days and all my online friends from those days.

funeral tmw.
maybe, just maybe, things will slowly start to get better now

so i'm sitting here listening to 30 seconds to mars, because i love "from yesterday" which was the song that actually made me like them as a band. the cd is pretty good. & i haven't given it a good listen in a long while. in other listening to music news, i've had fall out boy take this to your grave in my car on constant repeat. always listened to it when i have boy issues. its still amazing. also some saves the day. i'll never get sick of them. ever. & i listened to stay on my side tonight from jimmy eat world. also still amazing. funny how when my life gets messy, i've always turned to music. i guess its still the one way i can articulate how i feel without having to put much thought into it. & also spill out my emotions without anyone having to listen.

i redid my bio on here. & a new layout. yay.

the family is doing okay in light of my grandmother passing. my oldest brother flew in thursday. my youngest brother drove home today. & the middle lives in town still. the service is monday & everything is set. i have no nice clothes so i have to shop tomorrow.

bens dad is in the hospital because of his diabetes & his blood sugar is sky high. does it ever end?

still nothing new with ben & i. though we fight less without the whole "being together" label. however, he was over it by the time he broke up with me. so he's... i guess not hurting like i am. & even if he was, he wouldn't show it. however, if he was already over it, i just wish he had ended it months ago, instead of hanging on and hoping. its just that much harder now. when i think about the situation as a whole, i still cry & freak out. & i still want drugs so i don't have to FEEL anymore. if i didn't keep this all "bottled up" i'd explode in some sort of fashion... & since i don't deal with hurt well, i know that it wouldn't be good. & it would be self destructive. i'm trying to hard to just DEAL with it. i think im making progress. just super slowly.

i rewrote my myspace about me as well a few days ago. in doing so, i realized how much i changed in the four years i've been living on my own. & i can honestly say i love who i am, despite all my flaws.

my grandmother on my fathers side passed away early this morning.
we knew this day would come, we just never knew when, since she was relatively healthy, except for dementia.
this leaves my father as an only child, with no parents, since his father passed in 2005.

this is harder than i had expected.

i have cramps like you wouldn't believe.
haven't had this since right after having alexandria since i'm on depo.
why do i have my period anyways??

holy hell.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/scene-kids-are-like-so-not-wannabe-emos/2008/03/29/1206207488553.html

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Scene-Kid

this made me laugh my ass off. srsly.
=]

im starting to feel better. my chest feels like shit tho, which isn't good. hopefully nothing gets worse than it is down there. i hate having asthma. & my smoking for like 7+ years didn't help. please no bronchitis/pneumonia. kthx.

allie is also getting better. as is the infection on her hand & her eczema on her face. the doctor told me to take her pacifier away because it makes her face constantly wet. im not really following these instructions...

its been a few weeks and for some reason, ben acts like i shouldn't be upset still about things. excuse me, but why are most boys so... heartless at times?

really sick. so is ben. and so is allie.
chicken soup please?

my back is killing me so i need to get to bed soon. but for everyone who has taken time to respond with love & support, thank you. i feel pretty alone these days since i DON'T talk to or see a lot of my friends anyore. so it was nice to know people are still "on my side"

so in the course of the past two days, a lot of truth has come out on both sides. if we want to somehow coexist for the baby, we're going to have to set a lot of ground rules. & also just learn to be more honest. and he also expressed about wanting to someday get back together. but that it would be in the distant future. which im pretty much NOT willing to wait forever. also with what happened over the past few days, i'm not sure i can just forgive & forget. forgive? sure i can. i've forgiven people forever. but the forgetting & letting go & moving on isn't so easy. though if the time comes & is right, i suppose i would try.

i keep having to remind myself to not take on all the blame. it took both of us to fuck up what we had. i wish we could start over. or at least go back to this time last year when things really started to change between us. allie brought us closer together & bonded us for life. but us as a couple damaged eachother through spiteful words & terrible actions. admitting & accepting all this is horrible.

i'm heartbroken. its a horrible thing to hear the boy you thought was the one say that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. in fact, it shatters my world completely. he & allie were my ENTIRE fucking world. now it feels like i have... nothing. i guess i will just have to start picking up the pieces & figuring shit out.

i'm rambling.

in other news during dinner tonight, allie was eating a gerber baby chicken stick. she gagged on it & threw up EVERYTHING. all over herself, her high chair & all over the floor. it was fucking LOVELY, lol.
i love being a mom.

i want to listen to old new found glory cd's & remember how EASY life was back then.

i tried staying at my parents monday but allie was waking up every hour, due to sleeping in a room & crib she is not used to. she woke up asking for her dad and staring at the door. we came home to the apartment at 3am to a VERY awkward situation. but at least she went right to sleep.

i guess its really over between us. but for awhile, we are going to still live together, and set some ground rules to live by, for allies sake. she cannot stand having us apart. it messes her all up. she likes her routine.

however i have never felt more betrayed. i have never felt more like a failure. & i never felt so small & insignificant in my entire life. and i really mean it this time. i dont think i'll ever feel this way, as i do right now, again. at least, i hope to god i never feel this way again. its horrible.

my hands are not clean in this situation by any means. but him? god...
& yet im still so in love i'd be willing to forgive. too bad he simply doesn't want me anymore.

so apartment hunting shall begin. we're outgrowing this place fast. please pray that things will work out soon for us all. we need some sanity here. and soon.

when i get this stressed out & hurt emotionally, i find myself wanting to do drugs so i won't feel anything. because i have allie, this is not an option. and i know that we're supposed to feel. & that i should be grateful i feel anything, good or bad. but this? this is too much. i've thought of smoking pot again, smoking cigarettes again. getting zanax. cutting. & doing coke again. none of which i will ALLOW myself to do. but it disgusts me that i let myself even WANT these things again.

i'm so god damned self destructive.

FTW.

back at my parents house. first day here.
& i've been home from work an hour and a half & i already can't fucking stand it.
last two day with him at home were good, actually. thankfully.

i don't think i can fucking do this.
i want to go home.
but he wants to be apart right now.
i accept that we need this, but its not what either of us want.
i want to work things out, but im not so sure that he wants to yet.

i need drugs. i'm so worked up and stressed out.
will someone just hit me with a car or something?
i need a break from this already.

so life sucks. we got in a HUGE fight & now he says he's been "miserable with me for a month or more."

maybe its just too late to work it out.
maybe love just isn't enough this time.
maybe i'm just not good enough.

looks like i might be single again.
fuck.

if that is the case i worry a lot about allie & how it will affect her life. how it will affect us all. its horrible for us to fight in front of her, i know. and i really think we COULD change if we just tried & got help. but apparantly we're not committed enough.

so now what? we have this beautiful girl & no family.

& i'm like obsessed with the thought of us lasting forever, being a family, & beating the odds.

i hate myself.

i am finally listening to saves the day - under the boards. its long overdue seeing as the cd came out in 2007 sometime. ever since alexandria arrived, my music has taken QUITE a backseat. oh music, how i miss you. how you got me through everything in my life. how you explained everything i was ever feeling for me. how i got cds before they came out. how i knew of every great show within a 100 mile radius of me... i miss those days.

maybe someday i can be a music conussier again...

(by the way, this cd is really good)

going to see brand new tomorrow night finally, as they cancelled back in december. chuck backed out on going with me since he needs cash & his girlfriend can't find a babysitter. so i sold one of his tickets to danielle. now i'm driving us. good excuse to not drink too much & puke later, since i have no tolerance for alcohol anymore anyway.

april 28th is the jimmy eat world/paramore show. $30.50 for tickets before all those damn ticketmaster charges, so more like $40. i miss when shows were $18 at most. now i have to debate on if i can afford it. ben won't want to go, so maybe danielle will. but may 12th is thrice/circa survive. tickets for that show are only $23 after charges and ben wants to go to that... i don't know. maybe he can go to that show w/his brother & i'll go to the other with danielle. ugh, expensive. especially seeing as i ALWAYS have stupid bills. =[

alright. enough babbling. i can hear allie stirring, like she does like 3 times a night, every night now, for some unknown reason. goodnight.